Friday, February 28, 2014

Here's Wishing You the Bluest Sky

Phillip Seymour Hoffman  7/23/67-2/2/14
Phillip Seymour Hoffman had it all.  He died at the height of his career.  He had a very promising future.  He was certainly not the face you'd associate with drug abuse, but he was an addict.

This man relapsed and died from an accidental drug overdose following 23 YEARS OF SOBRIETY.  Surely, this is evidence that addiction is an incurable disease.  Perhaps, it is manageable with appropriate support, skilled decision making, and lots of will power, BUT, an addict is always an addict, forevermore.

This is really on my mind today.

My sister is leaving rehab very soon.  I know it's been hard for her, but her admission there was a great relief for me.  For 6 months, I have gone to bed without wondering if she'd still be alive when I woke up.  I prayed and prayed and PRAYED for her to live long enough to get to rehab. And she did.  And I felt elation. Bliss. A release of fear. You don't know that kind of fear unless you've lived it.  I laid on my face, on the floor, begging God to keep her safe.  Every night.

We're not close, and being around her is difficult for me, but she's my sister.  I hope rehab has helped her find strength and make goals for herself.  Perhaps she's leaving with new dreams for her future and a support network to keep her motivated.

I'm really making an effort to approach her more positively in the coming years.  I want to be supportive, I really do.  It's hard for me to let go of the anger I feel for her.  I've never learned to accept the apology that's never been offered.  But I need to.

I must learn to stop seeing her as an addict and start seeing her as a person.  She's someone, and that person deserves a good life, even if she's not the who I want her to be.

So, sister, if you're reading this,

Here's wishing you the bluest sky,
And hoping something better comes tomorrow.
Hoping all the verses rhyme,
And the very best of choruses to
Follow all the drudge and sadness.
I know that better things are on the way.  ***

***Song originally recorded by the Kinks.  I give you a remake by Pearl Jam, because, well, Pearl Jam. 

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