Thursday, May 14, 2015

On a Wing and a Prayer

It's been awhile since I've shared my life with you.  I've been busy.  Working, parenting, volunteering, ending a marriage.  And falling in love. 

Shocked?  Me too. 

I decided to end my marriage in December, 2014.  It took a lot of thought and prayer to have the courage to do it.  I've never known independence.  I went from my father's house to a dorm room to my husband's house.  I have never stood on my own two feet.  And it scared the Hell out of me.

But sometimes, you have to risk failure to find happiness.  I did and it has paid off. 

If you're stunned John and I are dissolving our marriage, it's likely because we have kept our relationship quiet forever.  We are not ones to engage in public argument or post negative things about one another on social media sites.  I'm thankful we continue to have that kind of respect for one another.  However, I assure you, this is not a sudden decision.

We have separated in the past.  In the nearly 16 years we have been married, it has been a constant battle for peace and contentment.  We grew apart.  We changed.  We became strangers. And we could no longer live like that.

So I moved on and moved out.  Yes, in that order.

I was not planning to date this soon.  I had made peace with the idea that I would be alone forever.  Or date women.  (Look, I'm not man-fan.)  I had made the decision to leave.  John and I both accepted it.  Finding housing took time, so we lived separately in the same house.  It was difficult and uncomfortable.  Since life was so rough at home, I looked for other places to be in order to avoid confrontation with John. 

I began spending time with John's cousin.  He and I had a mutual friend, TJ.  We decided to look him up and meet for a few drinks one night.  I had a blast and it was great to see my old friend again.  The three of us met for drinks a few more times over the next couple weeks and TJ and I began texting one another routinely.  I thought nothing of it, but enjoyed the friendship.

Then, I realized how much I looked forward to nightly texts with TJ.  I was happy.  But I never dreamed he would be interested in me. Still married, 3 children, a butt-load of student loan debt.  I wasn't exactly a catch.  Yet, somehow he saw something in me I didn't know was there.

TJ's birthday was in March.  We spent the weekend in a cabin with some friends.  It was life changing for me.  I've known him for at least 11 years and have always enjoyed his company.  He's smart.  Crazy smart.  By the end of the weekend, we knew we were definitely more than friends.  He asked if he could call me his girlfriend.  I almost said, "No, I'm not ready for titles or commitments."  But I looked into his eyes and saw everything I've ever wanted. 

I have always wanted to be loved.  Here was a man asking to love me.  A man I felt so deeply connected to.  A friend for life.  A joy.  How could I even consider letting that go?

As I type this, I have an estranged husband and a wonderful boyfriend.  It seems complicated, yet I feel no conflict.  I have been honest with John from the beginning.  He has also been incredibly supportive.  He sees how happy I am, and because he's a decent man he is pleased for me. Or as pleased as an almost ex-husband can be.  

The children are happy as well.  They adore TJ. He's a bit of a rock star.

I've received a lot of support from friends after becoming public about our separation.  Thank you for that, but I feel the need to tell you I am not sad. I've never been this happy.

I leaped and I'm Learning to Fly.